Pain puts things into Perspective

I’m terribly impatient. I want (almost need) everything now and immediately. Waiting is pain. No matter how much I try to work my way around getting impatient, I almost never succeed. I get agitated and stressed, almost to a point, where I can’t sleep.

But I know I want (again, I need) to grow. I need to relax. Wait. And stay calm.

What matters to you?

I’m terribly controlling. I want (almost need) to control everything and immediately. Having no control is pain. No matter how much I try to work my way around getting controlling, I almost always fail. I get agitated and stressed, almost to a point, where I can’t sleep.

But I know I want (again, I need) to grow. I need to relax. And stop trying to control everything.

Should I repeat myself those mantras every day? Or should I just wait for life itself to intervene and stop me. 

My father in law passed on recently and whenever I’m reminded by the fact that he’s gone, I break to pieces. Inside of me gets hot, tears swell up and I just plain can’t believe it. He was just here! What a lost potential, what a lost life, what a lost relationship to so many..

The pain puts it all to perspective. My impatience, my controlling, my little unimportant things, my meaningless plans.. it’s all rubbish. Time does exist. There is a beginning and end. Nothing lasts forever.

I think about my sleeping baby and I almost want to grab her from her crib. To hold her like there’s no tomorrow. She is everything to me!

I think about my husband who is half the world away from me at the moment (in China, while I’m in Florida) and I think about all this craziness going on (planes being shot down or simply lost!) and the fact that I didn’t even give him a proper kiss when he left and my tears swell up again. But he is all I have, he is the love of my life.

I think about my mother. I’m so happy she is near me right now. But how many times do I actually cherish our time together?

 

Pain.

So much to learn.

So much to learn.

 

 

 

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