Long time no….

before it will get better it will have to get worse they said.

before you totally and finally lose hope you will have some they said.

before you thought you would never touch him again you will have him they said.

before you know what is right for you, you would need to make some decisions.

I said.

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Pain puts things into Perspective

I’m terribly impatient. I want (almost need) everything now and immediately. Waiting is pain. No matter how much I try to work my way around getting impatient, I almost never succeed. I get agitated and stressed, almost to a point, where I can’t sleep.

But I know I want (again, I need) to grow. I need to relax. Wait. And stay calm.

What matters to you?

I’m terribly controlling. I want (almost need) to control everything and immediately. Having no control is pain. No matter how much I try to work my way around getting controlling, I almost always fail. I get agitated and stressed, almost to a point, where I can’t sleep.

But I know I want (again, I need) to grow. I need to relax. And stop trying to control everything.

Should I repeat myself those mantras every day? Or should I just wait for life itself to intervene and stop me. 

My father in law passed on recently and whenever I’m reminded by the fact that he’s gone, I break to pieces. Inside of me gets hot, tears swell up and I just plain can’t believe it. He was just here! What a lost potential, what a lost life, what a lost relationship to so many..

The pain puts it all to perspective. My impatience, my controlling, my little unimportant things, my meaningless plans.. it’s all rubbish. Time does exist. There is a beginning and end. Nothing lasts forever.

I think about my sleeping baby and I almost want to grab her from her crib. To hold her like there’s no tomorrow. She is everything to me!

I think about my husband who is half the world away from me at the moment (in China, while I’m in Florida) and I think about all this craziness going on (planes being shot down or simply lost!) and the fact that I didn’t even give him a proper kiss when he left and my tears swell up again. But he is all I have, he is the love of my life.

I think about my mother. I’m so happy she is near me right now. But how many times do I actually cherish our time together?

 

Pain.

So much to learn.

So much to learn.

 

 

 

Overthinking

Is there any use of overthinking really?

If storms in a tea cup is your cup of tea..

If storms in a tea cup is your cup of tea..

Some say it helps you prepare. But how can you be sure you need to prepare? Unless you know what’s coming. But do we ever?

So what if we know all the different scenarios? Will it make us stronger? Or weaker?

What’s a surprise? Is bad surprise a punishment for not overthinking or just a case of “shit happens”? Is a good surprise an overlooked aspect in the process of overthinking?

I’m an overthinker. Ha ha, like you couldn’t tell by now. It gives me great pleasure to drive with my imaginary Bentley that I will soon buy. But when it really happens the sensation is half-lived. By that time I’m already driving with my new Rolls. In my dreams.

I don’t remember when I was last surprised. I’m not a paper boat in the waves of life.

What about you?

 

Our Lifespan

My latest problem has been fighting the notion that life is linear. It occurred to me that perceiving my existence through a linear lifespan is the source of all my anxieties and stresses. If there could only be a way I could see my life differently but start, childhood, adulthood, finish (or just plain “end”).

Has anyone cracked the code to this?

I guess it all starts with perceiving time as linear. We number days, weeks, years.. The seasons change (in a predictable manner), the bodies age, the wine matures… all linear, moving from the beginning to the end.

How tiring to my mind and body.
Do you feel the same?

I must admit moving to a climate that just has one season helps a lot. I think I didn’t age that year as much as I would in a four-seasons location. Now if I could also stop my mind telling me how everything else is perfectly scalable.

And don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t like to keep count at all. I do! But I don’t want to race.

Wouldn’t it be perfectly cute to enroll to college in the age of 50 and make your millions while 17? Retire at 25, remarry at 70 and never even think something like this could be considered odd or a linear lifespan miscalculation.

What Motivates You?

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” Zig Ziglar

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Is Life itself enough of a Motivation?

Are you motivated by the possibility of a more intense life experience? Are you motivated to work towards results that will grant you something that would ordinarily be considered out of reach, almost rare? Are you motivated to get to know how living your craziest dreams actually feels like? Are you motivated by fear of not achieving what you thought you could? Do you feel the time ticking? Do you have hard time sitting still? Do you feel guilt, if plans don’t go like you expected? Do you understand the concept of “lost time” and “missed chance”?

Maybe you should.

Or maybe you are comfortable with your current path, your everyday life? Maybe you feel you have enough, you feel enough and you experience enough? Maybe you feel it’s all too much already, too overwhelming? You wish you could downgrade the pace, the happenings, the emotions? Maybe you just want to slow down?

And maybe you should.

Or maybe you’ve actually never thought about this. Maybe you wonder now – what motivation, why, what for? I’m fine with going with the flow. I was born and I will die and right now I’m just trying to spend the time in between as best as I can.

And you know what?

We all should.

Uniquely You

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Your intuition is probably the most valuable skill you have. Just like a pretty face, it can be turned into a valuable asset when used and used wisely.

Many choose to ignore their intuition and do as they’re told. These people are working and doing things for you, me, someone else and never for themselves. Or hardly never. Sometimes they have a “wake up call” and life changes for them. Then they publish a book, like they’ve just found the holy grail. And they have. Just that it’s a pity they lost it in the first place.

Most of the answers lie inside of you. It does take patience to wait for them to emerge as final. And many can not wait and turn to others for advice and inspiration. After all, it can be hard to stand on your own for a while, to contradict, to refuse, to argue, to prove, to explain, to reason. But this is exactly what evolution is about. A dialogue, inspired by a man’s true intuition.

The subjective cost of Peace of Mind (updated)

I never worry about action, but only inaction.

Winston Churchill

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“Der Schrei Der Natur” Edvard Munch
“The Scream of Nature”

It is sometimes very hard to distinguish between fear and worry. Or decide which one is worse and more mind halting. Or have one without the other.

One thing that fear and worry does is make you totally focused. Focused on the fear and focused on the worry. Almost like nothing else existed. It’s like a bad pain in your tooth that makes you totally forgot about your aching back.

Fear and worry transforms you into a fixer. All you do from now on is focus on how to solve the problem that’s causing your fear and worry. You set everything else aside and you probe and investigate, diagnose and conclude, insure and reassure. You take actions and wait, while more fear and worry is stirred up inside you.

The energy it takes out of you can be easily compared to a medium workout. The sleep that follows after intense fear or worry is something of a phenomena. Fear and worry drain your body, mind, and most of all, your soul.

After the worry or fear has subsided and you have realised it was self inflicted you feel both stupid and relieved.You count the nerves, stress, money, relationships and time affected with the.. (here the connection in the plane broke off so I lost half of the chapter I wrote)

… Anyway – you count the nerves, stress, money, relationships and time affected with the fear and worry and yet you manage to feel relieved. Because you’ve achieved something much more valuable – that is your “peace of mind”. You know you didn’t have it in the beginning and you are completely aware that the fear and worry was actually pointless, yet you feel like you’ve accomplished something big. You’ve reached The Peace of Mind.

What a priceless state to be in! What an expensive commodity!

So, do cherish it when you happen to have it.

Or start selling insurances, it makes a hell of a good business.